At the beginning of my "new year", I was in a hole so deep, I sought therapy to try to get out of it. My heart had been shattered along with my hopes, dreams, and my direction. Who was I? What was I going to do with the rest of my life? How will I survive without my life partner? When you lose someone you consider to be your best friend and who you hold so closely to your heart, it feels like the world as you know it, has just ended.
As the months went by, I slowly picked up the pieces and (as you know) I decided that this would be the year that I would explore, make bad decisions, take risks, try new things, and get out of my comfort zone - along with getting out of my own way. Reflecting on that year, I can see where all of that has taken me, all it has taught me, all of the people it has opened me up to. From terrible choices and shameful mistakes (which I will not publicize) to euphoria's and moments of pride & gratitude, I have finally got back the person I had really lost...me.
Of course this anniversary, makes me think of my ex - who (according to a source) is happily in a new relationship. They seem to be a lot more compatible than we ever were too. Had this been months ago, I would have wondered "why not me?" but now I can't help but say "I'm truly happy for them." Being out in the dating world, I know the challenges of finding someone who you click with and is looking for the same things you are in life so I can honestly say, "Good for them" without being snide or hateful. I never thought I'd feel that way - EVER - so it's nice to know I'm moving past the hurt I once felt and wishing him the best in life. That comes with knowing who you are, what you really want, and of course, time. Had we met now, I hate to say, I probably wouldn't pursue a relationship with him due to the fact we want & need different things. Hindsight's a bitch.
I also realized, I didn't have to become single to do the things I wanted to do. Nor does anyone. I just had to be brave enough to choose it, to take the steps to achieve it, to not let anyone stop me. It's a tough thing to seize moments that you have always feared to face. I was lucky enough to get that window of opportunity.
"Sometimes we are forced in a direction we ought to have found on our own. What we do, does not define who we are. What defines us is how well we rise after falling."
So with this new year, I will ring it in with some good cheer, good friends & family, and with a whole new list of things to do, see, and learn.
The biggest epiphany of the year: Sometimes our biggest hurts are our best lessons.
And that life is one big irony.